Shock

Miscarriage can come as a huge shock, especially if it is unexpected. You may
need time to understand what has happened and come to terms with it.

Failure and guilt
It can be hard to accept that a baby could stop growing inside you, perhaps
without you knowing. You might feel as if you are responsible in some way for
your baby’s loss. You might question all the things you’ve done over the last
few weeks, looking for a reason and wondering whether it was something you
did that caused your miscarriage. Or you might worry that you somehow caused
the loss because you weren’t sure how you felt about your pregnancy.
These are usually irrational feelings, but that doesn’t stop them from eating
away at you.
It’s important to know that miscarriages very rarely happen because of
something you did or didn’t do.

Emptiness
Many people say they feel changed after losing a baby – partners as well as the
woman or birthing person. You may feel you have a new identity as a parent as
soon as you see a positive pregnancy test. For this to be taken away can leave
you feeling physically and emotionally empty. It’s common to think nothing
much matters anymore and that other people’s or work issues are trivial.

Loss of control
One of the most overwhelming things about pregnancy is that so much is out of
your control. You can’t control when you get pregnant or whether you will stay
pregnant. All you can do is follow the advice and prepare your body as best as
possible.  
Fear and anxiety
You may find yourself overcome with fear and anxiety about having another
miscarriage or other complications in pregnancy. This is a natural reaction,
particularly if you don’t know why you miscarried or if this isn’t the first time
it’s happened.

These anxieties may get worse when you get pregnant. It may help to talk to
someone about how you feel now. Your GP will be able to help you access the
support you need.  
You may also sometimes feel more generalised anxiety. When something awful
happens, it’s easier to imagine other things going wrong, too.

Jealousy
You may feel envious, resentful or unable to be happy for someone else when
they announce their pregnancy or the birth of their baby. It can be challenging if
the timing coincides with important dates for you about your loss.
You probably can’t help these feelings, but it may help to know that lots of
people feel this way.  

Loss of trust in your body
You may feel let down by your body. You may mistrust your body in future
pregnancies and resent the fact that you can’t enjoy your pregnancy.

Loneliness and isolation
You may feel alone because nobody knew you were pregnant in the first place
or if no one understands what you are going through. You may worry that your
loss has affected your relationship with your partner (if you have one).
Think about whether you should tell your employer, a close colleague, friends,
or family. Talking about your loss might help you feel less lonely and better
supported.

Other people’s reactions
It can be challenging if other people’s reactions to your loss are unhelpful or
upsetting.
Unfortunately, other people’s reactions may not always be helpful. It can be
difficult to understand how it feels to lose a baby if you have never had a
miscarriage. Even if someone has lost a baby in the past, they may have reacted
or coped differently.

Although people usually mean well and want to help, reactions from your
family, friends or colleagues may leave you feeling more upset and isolated.
Lots of couples feel their grief is being brushed aside or that other people aren’t
acknowledging their loss. You might find people don’t even mention it at all,
perhaps because they’re unsure whether you want them to.
Looking after yourself
There is no easy way to grieve after something like this happens, but there are
some practical things you can do that may help.  
Allow yourself to feel sad.
Try not to force yourself to feel happy or feel guilty about feeling sad, even if a
lot of time has passed since your miscarriage. Feeling sad is a healthy part of the
grieving process. If you have feelings of sadness for a long time and feel
overwhelmed, know this is a normal reaction.

Talk to people
After a traumatic experience, it is often helpful to find ways to express how you
feel.
Some people find keeping a journal helps them make sense of their feelings. Try
to talk to someone about how you feel. If you have a partner, try to support each
other. Be aware that you may have different feelings and ways of coping. Please
have a look at our information on your relationship after miscarriage.  
Sleep
Emotional stress can make you very tired, but you may also find it difficult to
sleep. See your GP if you’re unable to sleep at all or are not coping with your
life because of lack of sleep.
Eat healthily
You may be finding it difficult to eat, but trying a healthy, balanced diet is
essential.
Avoid ‘numbing’ the pain.
Avoid things that ‘numb’ the pain, such as alcohol. It’ll make you feel worse
once the numbness wears off.